The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
