I just saw a hot homeless man
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
