Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
