he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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