Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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