when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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