I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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