dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
