We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
