i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
