How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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