My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i love accidental penises.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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