i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
