i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
