Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
