And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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