so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
