i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
