so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Bring me that man meat
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
