I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
