i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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