what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
