you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
