Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
