That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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