if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
