I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
