Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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