Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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