today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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