I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize