This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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