So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
