At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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