Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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