She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
