my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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