Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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