I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize