a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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