My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
