Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He passed out mid-signature
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
