please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
