I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
