Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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