Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
