chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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