I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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