My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
