I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
