he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
ttyl tear gas
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
