God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
