I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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