She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
