Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
