Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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