The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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