First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
4 words: hood of his car
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize