he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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