Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
