why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
