True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
