The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
